Cocooning In

We will all choose different ways to cope and survive during this next season of our united history. We will all choose different paths to walk, and different causes to champion. “Do you” I say, #findwhatfeelsgood . 

On November 8, 2016 I stayed up until the early morning hours of the next day. I was so afraid of what was happening that I could not look away. The days that followed were surreal. I was a mess, and I would burst into tears at most of the news. I am terrified about my future rights and access to healthcare, employment, and safety. I am heartbroken for my students. I could share a lot of stories about my students, who are simply terrified, but I am still carrying these stories, and the weight of theses stories is to heavy to write about… at least for now. I could share stories about my friends and family devastation, but they are not my stories to share.

I felt that I spent 2016 desperately seeking advocacy for myself, for my children, and for my students. I felt that the choices I was making, and the environments and policy that surrounded my small world were making everything feel absolutely insane. Nothing felt right anymore… and I know I need to take a minute to find what feels good, again.

I do not think I am going to find what feels good out there, right now. I suspect I do not have the strength or the skills to navigate out there, right now. I suspect my voice will be silenced, and my feelings of complete helplessness will be amplified out there, right now.

I am deciding to cocoon inwards, around my tiny humans, and within my communities, because this is what feels good, for right now. I cannot protest, because my voice is wavering. I cannot advocate, because I am still learning the rules. I cannot take any more time away from the tiny humans, because now more than ever they need us.

I am cocooning in. I am going to work hard to be with my tiny humans, to love more, to laugh more, and to watch them more. I am going to focus on kindness and compassion within our own little family.

I am cocooning in. I am going to continue to work for my students.

I am cocooning in. I am going to work for a small non-profit independent day school that teaches and rewards kindness and community.

I am cocooning in. I am going to finish graduate work in public administration so that I am better trained and more skilled to play in this game, that needs me to know how to play at an expert level.

I am cocooning in. I am going to take better care of myself.

I am cocooning in. I am going to train to be smarter, more resilient, and raise tiny humans who will be kind souls for the next generation.

Right now, I will not find what feels good out there.

I will again soon, I suppose, but not yet… not right now.

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